Posted on September 2, 2001 - by Ralph Grizzle

Dear Gentle Reader

Miss Manners Speaks Her Mind, Politely, Of Course, On Travel And Cruises

She is the doyenne of decorum, the mistress of manners, a perfect lady – born, alas, to an imperfect society. For nearly a quarter of a century, she has championed the worthy cause of civility. She is Judith Martin, a.k.a. Miss Manners, and through her widely syndicated thrice-weekly newspaper column, she wisely counsels those grappling with issues of right and proper conduct in a civilized society.

As regular readers of the Miss Manners column well know, Martin is an earnest pupil of an earnest science, etiquette. Her intent is not to elevate herself socially – as is the aim of Hyacinth Bucket (pronounced “Bouquet”), the snobbish wannabe depicted by Patricia Routledge in the early 1990s BBC comedy series, “Keeping Up Appearances.” Martin’s altruistic mission is to gently prod society well within the realm of common courtesy.

Nor is hers the mindless doing of some elderly, chastising Victorian prude. After all, Martin began her Miss Manners column as a young woman in 1978, two years before her mid-centennial birthday. She is now 63 and as serious about her trade as ever. In conversation, she refers to her vocation as “the business of manners,” and begins the occasional sentence with the words, “In the manners business . . .” Clearly, this is more than a hobby.

Like any devoted student, she is an astute observer.

”Every year, Miss Manners notices less difference between dressing for venturing forth to see the world and for staying at home and watching television.”

This, in response to a “Gentle Reader” who had written Miss Manners to complain of half-naked seatmates sprawled in coach class, their gaping legs spread in a come-hither manner, their sweating flesh knowing no boundaries. In response, Miss Manners proselytizes with such cunning that you find yourself involuntarily nodding your noggin in agreement, conspiring with her.

“Miss Manners doesn’t expect anyone else to remember that people actually once dressed up for travel. She is aware that when people discover that in pre-air conditioned days, the only concessions their ancestors made to summer were to lighten the color and weight of their voluminous clothing, they do not marvel at their fortitude. They marvel at their stupidity.”

As the undisputed, and undisputable, arbiter of etiquette, she can appear, at times, brusquely opinionated and unyielding. Yet, such decisiveness assures that the rules of civility will not be frittered away.

”Even she does not altogether scorn the argument of comfort. But the comfort standard should apply to the comfort of others, as well as oneself. People get uncomfortable when they have to sit close to strangers who are airing their sweating flesh.”

The fact that she proffers most of what she dispenses with humor endears you to her in such a way that you invariably find yourself punting for her team.

”They also get uncomfortable when they watch strangers approach their monuments, national symbols or houses of worship as if they were going to the beach. And in such cases, ‘uncomfortable’ is a euphemism for hopping mad.”

Unknowingly, you have taken up the righteous cause of civility yourself, scoring a victory not only for the ever-proper Miss Manners but also for all of society. I know that I will consider my attire before boarding the next plane.

Introductions Please
Born in Washington, D.C., Judith Sylvia Perlman moved about the world, because her father, a United Nations economist, was frequently transferred. In the days before she could even conceive of becoming Miss Manners, the young girl lived in various foreign capitals, which invariably acquainted her with the customs and traditions outside her homeland.

Back in the United States, she attended Wellesley College and after graduating joined the Washington Post as a reporter. Before long, she found her name climbing the masthead, first as a feature writer and, later, as a theater and drama critic.

As one of the original members of the Post’s Style and Weekend sections, she covered social events at the White House and the embassies. In 1978, she donned the mantle of Miss Manners. More than 200 newspapers in the United States and abroad carry her column.

She has penned nearly a dozen books, some with titles longer than Welsh place names: “Miss Manners’ Guide to Domestic Tranquility: The Authoritative Manual For Every Civilized Household, However Harried.” Her titles, in fact, leave little ambiguity as to what one could expect to find inside. Consider these: “Miss Manner’s Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior” or “Miss Manners Rescues Civilization from Sexual Harassment, Frivolous Lawsuits, Dissing and Other Lapses in Civility.”

Her book on rearing perfect children is based on her own experience, and she confesses to having two such specimens (would you have expected otherwise?) in her Washington home, which she shares—in blissful domestic tranquility, no doubt—with Mr. Martin, a scientist and playwright.

Martin writes from her home on a variety of topics. Among her travel-related columns, Miss Manners has addressed proper attire, monograms on luggage tags, air rage, seat-kickers, seat-recliners and cruising. All are presented with such a witty dose of humor that they give readers the giggles.

”When Miss Manners read that great numbers of people had been inspired to sign up for cruises by seeing the film ‘Titanic,’ she feared that they would be disappointed with the reality. True, they might not complain if their trips turned out to be less eventful . . . The shock must come when these movie-goers attempt to book themselves into steerage and find there isn’t any. Class segregated cruise ships no longer exist, and today’s seagoing passenger has no choice but to allow themselves to be waited upon. What fun it that?”

We talked one morning with Miss Manners about that perennially favorite topic—travel. We opened the discussion with air rage. Miss Manners told us that she understands the explanations for unruly behavior aloft, which, she astutely points out, began with the decline in airline seating space and services. “Jam people into cramped quarters, frighten them, confiscate their belongings, deprive them of decent nourishment, limit their ability to tend to their bodily needs, and keep them in suspense about their immediate fate—how can you possibly expect them to be polite?” she says.

Even so, passengers should never retaliate with vehemence, she says. “Provocation in the manners business is no excuse for being rude, or in the cases of air rage, for being violent and criminal,” she tells us.

So how should one respond? With patience, of course.

Moreover, Miss Manners says that is important to lower one’s expectations about travel. “We have this notion that a schedule is written in stone,” she says. “If a plane says it will be there at a certain time, we expect it to be, but we have all learned that this often is not the case.”

If you absolutely have to be at a certain destination at a certain time, to attend a wedding, for example, travel a day early, she says.

The Rome Rule
Miss Manners says that being informed of a country’s customs and rules of behavior helps one get the most from travel, Martin says. “When you see that people in other countries have different ways of doing things, it adds immeasurably to the experience.”

Travelers abroad often adopt the Rome Rule, “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.” This is fine, but the Rome Rule does not always apply.

Using the gesture of the group you are among, for example, is indeed a polite response, except when it is not, Miss Manners says. A non-Catholic should not greet the Pope by kissing his ring; the only people who should curtsey or bow to sovereigns are their own subjects; do not attempt customs that are too complex for you to master, such as Japanese bowing.

“Only after these questions of morality, allegiance and competence have been settled does the turf question arise,” she says. “At last, the Rome Rule applies. Yes, visitors should do their best to speak the hosts’ language of behavior.”

The Ugly American
In Miss Manners’ view, the American abroad is no longer the proverbial ugly American. “Half a century ago, Europeans did such a good job at ridiculing Americans for admiring their history and art that many have been tiptoeing through apologetically ever since,” she says. But lately, she observes that the Europeans have moved on to ridiculing one another.

“Depending on which country you visit, you will hear complaints about Swedish tourists, English tourists, German tourists, French tourists and all varieties of Eastern European tourists. When they really get going, they also throw in Japanese tourists, Australian tourists and Argentinean tourists.”

Clearly, the dislike of American tourist has been crowded out by the disdain of others. “Anytime people come in large numbers to a country where everybody else is trying to work, they do tend to attract this sort of grumbling,” she says. “If they violate the etiquette of the country, they attract even more grumbling. But Americans are much more conscious now than many other tourists. And we are no worse, and perhaps even a little better, than the others.”